But I also feel like I'm at a serious crossroad, where there is only one correct direction to go and I don't know which way that is.
What does this mean???
It means I have to pull myself together and try as hard as I can. It means that as long as I am not endangering my life or the lives of my loved ones, I am going to continue on the Crazy path. And believe me, I am so terrified of failing. It is extremely likely that I will never make it. It is extremely likely that I will miss some important thing and get in some kind of trouble.
I am growing extremely unsatisfied with my current job, and to be honest, I get scolded on a regular basis just for staying there. To find another job may require giving up my art dream... this schedule conflict is such a huge wrench in my gears. I have to find a way. I have to find a self-respectable day job that can coexist with my hopes and dreams.
I wish I could hold on to this stubborn and determined feeling and not let fear keep me in shackles like this. A day was too long at my current job, let alone five years.
Here is a new note for my private stash: It's time to raise some hell.