This week is all about Lionfish. This coming thursday video is gonna be this sketchbook page full of different species of Lionfish. I'm disappointed to learn that we are at oceanic war against them, as they are such a fancy and beautiful creature. Apparently in truth they are rude and destructive - but they are edible so when they are the last living non-human thing on the planet, we will one day be truly sick of eating them.
Destructive, multiplying like crazy, taking over everything...
In a similar sentiment, I am consumed by even the most basic of responsibilities. This photo of Maggie falling off of a pile of blankets and being very confused about it really illustrates my current state:
I've become a hermit. I don't even mind working weekends anymore because it keeps me solitary. My last job had me working mostly alone in a kitchen for nearly a decade, and now I'm always surrounded by people and it keeps that basic level of anxiety at about "Exhausting". But this year, I have to take another driving test, and find some way to visit family I haven't seen in three years (because I can never ask for vacation).
The driving test seems hopeless with a deadline hurtling toward me faster than I can process it. I may give up and risk losing my driver's license entirely (which would suck in many ways but wouldn't be life-ending because I'm a hermit after all). But it took me weeks just to muster up the courage to ask for vacation time, and when I finally did, I was rejected. Now I'm procrastinating on telling my family that I failed to further advocate for myself, because they will just tell me to quit my job and go anyway.
So um... I'm hiding from life. A little bit. I like painting. I like these little youtube deadlines because they are steady and distract me from actual, important things. Like maintaining friendships! I'm the lousiest friend ever. Everyone wants something from me, but I'm just over here, panicking about dumb things like driving exams. Guarding my cat's food from Other Cat, every waking minute. Thinking about how I'm gonna be 32 and how I've never lived a day in my life thanks to anxiety.
So if I'm not "there", it's because I'm trapped in my own fear spiral. I will never come out. I made a fort. Someone will bring me endless frappucinos and lasagna.
Hello! I'm Melissa, and here you'll find some behind-the-scenes footage of an artful life. Won't you join me?